I still struggle with motivation, I guess I always will, but there are a few things that push me on.

You never know how truly great you, or your life can be if you don't take chances. Nobody leads a spectacular life by coasting by. People say you should live every day like it's your last because it could be. That doesn't worry me, when it's over it's over.

What worries me is that I might live every day like there's another, and for that to be the case, there's nothing more terrifying than the thought of looking back on a wasted life and knowing that I could've done something about it, but that I don't have the health or the time to do it.

I haven't made a post on here in a while. I couldn't tell you why, it's not from a lack of needing to express myself, or from a lack of willingness to write, it just got tucked away with all the other things in the back of my mind and got lost somewhere in the clutter.

Reading back over my over thought, emotional rants is a strange thing. Sure, I look at some of the things I wrote and cringe, it's like reading bad teenage poetry, only I'm in my mid 20s, so it's slightly worse. But there are some things I look at, the positives, and I realise that that's how I felt and how I should be feeling, in a sense this makes a great substitute for a functioning memory.

Even compared to before I'm so much better, emotionally, mentally, possibly even physically. Things that terrified me before, anxieties that I've had for what could be years, are fading away. I used to worry about seeing certain people, just the idea of passing them in the street made my throat tighten and my pulse quicken. Now that's all changing, I guess I'm growing stronger because I feel more like fighting now than running away.

That feeling seems to have stretched into every corner of my life, I'm starting to feel more capable, more confident, more like I used to be before I lost myself. It was a terrible time for sure, I had no self respect, I let people walk all over me just so I didn't feel alone. For some reason I didn't think I could cope without constantly being around someone, now I realise that just made things worse.

It's been difficult, no doubt about it. I still have bad days, days when I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, days when I have everything laid out for myself but I can't put in that little bit of effort, but nobody's perfect, don't judge yourself on your failures, base your life around your successes and push as hard as you can, sure you'll falter, but dwelling on your mistakes will just pull you further from success.

In a random, unrelated note, I checked out the pageviews for this blog, I wasn't even aware anyone looked at it, I thought it was tucked away in blogger's bowels. Anyway, for whatever reason apparently people are reading this, so thanks for that, I hope you enjoy it in some way, despite the ranting, and apparently some of you are German too, so for now, auf wiedersehen.

Progress

I honestly never thought it would happen, but things are getting easier.

There are still times that it feels like all the progress I'm making falls apart, when the heartbreak creeps back in, and I know it will always be there, lingering in the background, but it's gradually having less and less effect and I know that soon it'll be nothing but a memory.

Despite that haunting feeling I'm actually feeling far happier than I've been in what feels like forever. Sometimes I tell myself I should just man up, get on with everything and fuck the past, but that's not something I can do.

Sometimes it's best to take your time. Sure, I could just go for the quick fix, try to find happiness in revenge, in being petty and bitter, but I don't need any more negativity. I know everything will work out in the end, even if it doesn't always seem like that.

The most important thing I've realised is that I need to find happiness in myself, rather than relying on anyone else. The last thing I want is to feel like I need anyone.

As bad as things get, even when my mind is filled with negativity, with regret and heartache, there's one thought that keeps me going.

On the night that my world fell apart, after the adrenaline had left my system and all that was left was a strange calm, I looked to the window. There was nothing but darkness and the cold night air, and for just a moment I felt that if I stepped out, over the scaffolding and into that pure blackness then everything would be okay.

 I've never felt more certainty about anything in my life, a thought of crystalline clarity in a storm of emotion.

I'll admit that that hardly seems inspirational, but it's a constant reminder to me, a reminder that I wanted nothing more than to turn my back on the world, but here I am, writing, breathing, living.

That night there was a glimmer of hope, I'd lost the only person I'd ever loved, I'd lost my home, my friends and my job, but even with death seeming like the best option, something told me to keep going.

It taught me that no matter what, if you feel there's even the slightest hope, the tiniest chance, even if it seems hopeless, that one chance can change everything.

You Can't Kill Integrity

From time to time I forget what's important, but nothing matters more than being true to yourself.

Being the best at something that thousands of other people do is one thing, but being yourself, and the best version of yourself that you can be, is inimitable.

Don't try to be the 'new' anything, don't try to compete, because one day someone better will come along, instead put every fibre of your being, every ounce of creativity, strength and intellect into doing what's best for you.

I've always looked up to those who aren't just the best, but have their own voice, whether it's writers, musicians or artists. It's those people who the world will remember, the irreplaceable, but in no way perfect, the people who can inspire others to push on, ignore their critics and create.

Quote of the Day

“There comes a point when you just love someone. Not because they’re good, or bad, or anything really. You just love them. It doesn’t mean you’ll be together forever. It doesn’t mean you won’t hurt each other. It just means you love them. Sometimes in spite of who they are, and sometimes because of who they are. And you know that they love you, sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it.”

Laurell K. Hamilton

First thing's first

This is something I've been meaning to do for a while. I keep thinking I should have somewhere to write down anything that comes to me, and this seems like the best way.

I've tried writing things down by hand, but I end up with too much paper scattered about, and my handwriting differs so much day to day that I struggle to read it myself, especially when I lapse into lazy, half formed shorthand.

So here it is, the blog that will effectively act as a journal, a place to rant and think and get everything out, without having to avoid saying anything or writing in a certain style.

That's something I still haven't perfected, though maybe it just never feels that way, I struggle to give myself a distinctive voice when I write. I've looked over my old work, delving into the archives of music websites that I used to review records for, and my style has changed dramatically. I used to think that writing in a 'unique' way meant being a dick, or so it would seem going on some of my older material. Sure there was comedy there, and it clearly reflected my opinions, but it was so disorganised, more of a jumble than a flow.

That's also how my thoughts feel at the minute, I intended this to be a flowing blog, writing as things came to mind, but right now my mind is so jumbled that trying to find one thought to pursue is like sorting through a ball of knotted cables, just picking one thing and pulling at it does nothing but make the knots tighter, making it harder to extract the thought than before.

My emotions are doing the same thing, as soon as I feel one thing, something else competes with it, feeling happy, depressed, angry, none of those just happen on their own, they're always joined by some counteracting force that rises up from somewhere else, challenging why I feel the way I do and leaving me in flux between two states.

I sometimes think I'm just over thinking, some, probably most people, will be happy, and it will feed into whatever they're doing. I find that nearly impossible, I'm on my toes all the time, looking out for anything that could spoil my mood, while making sure that I do seem suitably happy, because otherwise the terrible, decaying feelings that run underneath the surface will start to break through.

Of course, this might be understandable if it had just been a recent feeling. Things have been incredibly difficult, I hate to sound like I'm self pitying, partly because I've been told so much that I shouldn't feel that way, because it's annoying to others. Still, in the circumstances my haywire emotions would make far more sense, but all that those recent events have done is intensify the problems, although they've also put things in perspective.

There's something so freeing about everything completely breaking down, of feeling you have nothing, and no way out. It's such a pure feeling, there's nothing else to think about, it's not despair or sadness, just a bright white shroud of adrenaline and fear, that makes everything run through your mind at a million miles an hour. I've never come so close to ending it all, but finding that way out, finding a way to carry on just envelopes you in such a feeling of relief that nothing compares.

That's not to say everything is totally behind me, there are still things lingering in my mind, urges and impulses that I have to control, to avoid further disaster, but I'm coping, in a fashion, and sometimes that's enough.

Still, the impulses are there, and I'm sometimes tempted to give in to them, just surrender myself to everything I consider doing and get them out in the open, like throwing open the floodgates and letting everything that is me, every thought I have, every action I consider come out in the open, so that at least for once, even if it's just for a moment, I'm completely myself, without any restraints or boundaries.

I think that's the most important thing about creativity, I'm no artist, but through writing and music I can bring out parts of myself that I feel I can't let out anywhere else, and there's something cathartic about that. It strips away all of the pretence, wipes away the brave face and exposes everything underneath, showing the processes and the functions rather than just the carefully planned exterior.

I have a thousand things to say, about how things have gone recently, about the love that I still feel for someone I shouldn't, and about how I lock it away because just thinking about it hurts more than I thought anything could, but I'll try to keep these entries brief, for the sake of my sleep as much as out of consideration for anyone reading it.

I don't think I can sum up that feeling better than Bukowski does.

There's a bluebird in my heart that

wants to get out

but I'm too clever, I only let him out

at night sometimes

when everybody's asleep.

I say, I know that you're there,

so don't be sad.

Then I put him back,

but he's singing a little in there,

I haven't quite let him die

and we sleep together like that

with our secret pact,

and it's nice enough to

make a man weep,

but I don't weep,

do you?